dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
