grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
