If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
