i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
