Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
