just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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