Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
