Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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