I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
