I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
