with your own penis?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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