Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
