i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
