I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
