I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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