you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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