I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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