I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
