Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
