Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
