Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
