My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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