Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
