My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
