Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
