so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize