i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
