I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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