Sorry, I don't speak sober.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's just like the Real World with babies
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
