my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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