I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
fuck your aforementioned shoe
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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