Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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