Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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