I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
