Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
