I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
