Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
