3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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