I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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