During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
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its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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