I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
