Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
