You can't special order awesome
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
