Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
