If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
