Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
