Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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