I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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