It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
