dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
