Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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