I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
