he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
