1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
