quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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