So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
