Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
