It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
