maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
