I puked a lego.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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