Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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