First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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