i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
