The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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